In my very first session with my therapist he asked me what did I like to do for fun. A number of things came to mind, but there was something a little incomplete, something I couldn’t put my finger on. I felt the question was very simple, yet the answer felt so complicated. My loved ones (and I’m blessed to have many, but especially my children and my husband) bring me soooo much joy. In fact finding ways to make them happy truly makes me happy. So I told him about those moments of joy, but he pressed me to consider things that weren’t tied to others, things that were just for me. I pondered some more. Of course there’s fitness and yoga, I LOVE those things, but since becoming a teacher and starting LSF it has morphed into something that I loved, that is ALSO a responsibility. So I kept thinking. I love art, but this was even before Creating Space, and I wasn’t doing much from a creative standpoint at the time. The things I came up with all had an element of spending time with another person incorporated in it. I struggled to answer, but expressed that, my life was NOT lacking joy, not by any means. Even still, I left his office and I did keep thinking -  “what was that one thing that I did just for myself, and even by myself that bought me true joy?!” I wasn’t sure. I wasn’t sad or depressed, but I also couldn’t necessarily say I felt the kind of joy that originated from within. 

Fast forward a year or two and I’m still pondering that question. “What is joy, and how can I make sure it comes from within?” Since that day in the therapy office I have absolutely been more intentional about choosing activities I enjoy that are just for me, and things that I do just for the sake of doing, not for duty or responsibility or anything else. And I can say that since becoming more intentional about it, things have been going well. But recently I had another epiphany moment. I had been participating in a yoga challenge online. I’d always been intimidated by them or found some reason not to join in, but this time I said “why not”. This particular challenge was different, this wasn’t just about striking a pose, you had to post a video of yourself DANCING too. And it was even called the “Fight For Your Joy Challenge”. The yoga pose was the daily goal, but JOY was the mission. From the very first day I participated I knew I’d made a good decision. Even still, I was NERVOUS. I’ve never considered myself much of a dancer, but I decided not to care. Something I’d always felt sooo self-conscious about, and just like that - I decided not to care. I turned on the camera on my first day, Erykah Badu and Common’s “Love of My Life” bumping in the background, and in that moment it was just me, the music, and movement. And I decided not to care about embarrassment. I hit “share” on that video, and it felt like a weight had been released. The comments and support were great, but the feeling of not worrying whether people would judge or not was indescribable. Just like that I no longer cared about being embarrassed. About “getting it right”. I did it because it felt good. So I kept going. 

On the second day of participating I was reflecting on the joy I was feeling and asking myself why it has felt so fleeting. I literally asked myself “Ty, when did you start taking life soooo seriously?!” I can’t tell you the exact moment, but I know that from a young age I put lots of expectations on myself, and then I became a mom for the first time at 18, and again at 20. Then, 4 months after my second son was born their dad was tragically killed, and suddenly it felt like I HAD to get life right. In my mind it really felt like EVERY. SINGLE. DECISION I made had an impact on my children, and UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES, could I mess things up. For me it really felt like life or death at that point. Maybe that wasn’t the only factor, but I think it played a huge role. I have probably always been a more calculating and cautious human, but from that point forward, the idea of taking risks was almost completely out of the question. And while it may seem unrelated, in the brain, when you identify something as a risk - be it true life or death, or just dying of embarrassment, you build an avoidance all the same.  I’m thankful for the responsible human I’ve been in the roughly 20 years since, but I’m also realizing that life is more than getting shit right all the time. 

There’s been something so freeing about letting my guard down, setting judgement aside, and simply doing something that feels silly and unnecessary but totally inspiring. It’s helped me explore what joy means to me, and how I can create more space for it. I’ll probably try a bunch of random things. Some I’ll like, some I wont but I’m here for the whole journey. I’m chipping away at the need to always get it right.  I don’t know your story, but if it’s anything like mine, and you’ve temporarily suppressed your joy for the sake of certainty and “perfection” I hope you can find your path forward too. There’s too much joy to be found if you can just let your guard down a little.

Namaste,

Tian