A few weeks ago we talked about caring for our mental health by creating space for self love, and about how we can more deliberately love ourselves like we do others in our lives. In my own personal experiences and observations, I believe sometimes the challenge to self love is self acceptance. What’s the difference? From my readings, I believe that self love transcends how you feel about yourself into the action of how you treat yourself. Therefore in order to overcome obstacles to self love, we may first have to take a step back and evaluate our own self acceptance.

What’s The Story

Have you ever walked into a room, a bit apprehensive because you were invited to a party, and as excited as you were to go, the only person that you know is the host? But you press on, you show up, and the minute you walk through the door all sorts of random mess you didn’t even ask for starts flooding your mind. “I didn’t pick the right outfit”, “everyone else brought a beautifully wrapped gift, meanwhile I’m standing here with a bottle of wine”. “They’re judging me”. “They all know each other already, they’re not going to want some stranger intruding in their conversation.” So you find the most inconspicuous corner you can, and hang out there just hoping you can say a polite hello to the host before planning your breakout. While the situation may feel familiar, and maybe even fairly harmless, how often do these unhelpful thoughts hijack our minds on a daily basis? How often do we find ourselves crafting masterfully thought out stories, full of character development, plot twists and even a climax? Now more importantly, how often are these stories not only harmful, but flat out lies meant to sabotage our own personal sense of peace and well-being?

While it’s easy to understand why a new social setting can feel uncomfortable, and the feeling of isolation familiar, let’s revisit the thoughts that can swirl in our minds during times of anxiety and uncertainty. Maybe when you step into a meeting full of people who seem to be subject matter experts or high level leaders? Or maybe we find ourselves weaving webs of lies about our parenting skills, sewing seeds of doubt that we aren’t even conscious of. Maybe we have an idea or a project we want to tackle, but we talk ourselves out of it before we even begin. Maybe there’s a small voice lingering inside of us that’s been humming on and on in a low cadence and maybe we never even paused to question it. What can we do to check it, to chuck it, to evict it from our mental space? I believe the first step is simply recognizing its presence. It’s been squatting and sabotaging for far too long, but now that it’s been spotted, that voice can be expelled, or at a minimum muted. Once identified, how can you start to evaluate the source of the story, unpack it? In a recent conversation I was asked “where is the evidence that this story is true?” I find that to be a super helpful approach in exploring the negative self-talk that creeps into my psyche. Do you have your own tips to share?

The Art of Forgiveness

There are times that our past lingers like a cloud over our heads because we haven’t quite forgiven ourselves for certain choices we’ve made. And rather than acknowledge the role those choices have had in our lives we instead ruminate over the “I should haves” and the “I could haves”. But the reality is that the choice we made at that time is the best choice we could’ve made in those circumstances. And although there may still be effects, we’ve got to learn how to forgive ourselves and move on. Maybe, just maybe even embrace the situation for the learning opportunity that it was. And going back to our exploration of positivity from last month, there is always something to be thankful for within every situation. So rather than beat yourself up for something that you wish you’d done differently, try giving yourself some love, some grace, and some forgiveness. I recently read a few articles on this topic, and two perspectives that I really likes were: 1) you now feel differently about the situation than you did at the time, suggesting that the very sense of regret that you feel is a sign that you have evolved in some way. 2) while we often wish we handled something differently, we truly can’t predict exactly how taking a different approach would have unfolded, so we find ourselves contemplating the unknown, or at a minimum, an outcome we can’t actually prove. So again, rather than put ourselves down, it’s so much healthier to acknowledge the lessons learned, and make new choices in the present. 

There’s No Comparison

This last topic is a big one. I think in order to embrace self acceptance, we’ve got to learn how to release the need to compare ourselves to others. PARTICULARLY in this time of false realities and make believe that is the internet. It’s so easy to look at the snippets of life that people choose to share online and think “wow, they are so happy”, “their relationship is so perfect”, “they’ve really got things figured out.” I mean, who’s really going to post pictures of their overdue bills, capture videos of the spats with their spouses, or snap pictures of the days when they feel uncomfortable in their own skin? The internet allows people to share their own highlight reels, meanwhile we get caught up in comparing their best highlights with our full, honest story that represent real life. It’s a no-win situation. And even when there are true representations of people and the lives they are living, there are more productive ways to manage. It’s so much more valuable to use people who are demonstrating positive self images, or represent similar values as you, and use those as inspiration. 

The harsh reality is, there will always be someone out there prettier, fitter, seemingly more successful, seemingly more confident, etc etc. But that’s not what your worth is measured against. Your worth is measured against the values you hold constant in your life, and your efforts to live them on a day to day basis. There’s so much to explore in this space, so we’ll go deeper in next week’s post, but in the short term, my challenge to you is this:

Notice the messages that your social media feeds are delivering, and how well they align with the values you hold. And notice the stories you tell yourself about who you are. If there’s something within that’s not serving you, what positives changes can you make to be more fulfilled, to more authentically honor the real you?

Namaste,

Tian